Plot summary: Hiroko Watanabe's fiancé Itsuki died two years earlier in a mountain climbing accident. While looking through his high school yearbook, Hiroko in a fit of grief decides to write a letter to him using his old school address. Surprisingly she receives a reply, not from her dead husband, but from a woman also named Itsuki whom had known Hiroko's husband in school. A relationship develops between the two women as they continue to exchange letters and share memories of the dead Itsuke.
Tbis has always been one of my favourite movies. I watched it many years ago, and like it enough to buy the movie to watch it again. Although many years has passed, this strikingly simple and beautiful movie still affects me. The scenes are beautifully crafted, and the emotions expressed by the characters are subtle, restrained, yet heartfelt. It's a story of coping with grief(just one of the many plotlines), of sending out a simple letter with just two sentences, "how are you? i am fine.". It's sending of a letter to heaven, to a non-existent address(the old school address is no more) hoping for closure.
These are two favourite scenes of mine:
1) Where the female lead cries out to the mountains where her fiancee lost his life. It's just the same phase again and again... "O-genki desu ka? "Watashi wa genki desu!" (How are you? I am fine.) How apt then that love, or suppressed emotions lies behind mere words...
2) The scene where the same namesake Itsuki is at the library and she looks up to see Hiroko's fiancee standing by the window, his head bent over reading a book. In that moment, the window curtains flutters gently against him, his hair is shimmering, and his whole body aglow with the light of the afternoon sun. This is how sometimes trival memories are captured..and isn't it how we look at a loved one? Shimmering, awash with light..dazzling.
This movie has not much action, and might be slow moving even. But its so exquisite, a multi-layered love story with a moving twist towards the end...it leaves you melancholy and yet lifts up your spirits..its a show that provokes you with the meaning of love long after it's over.
Saturday, May 3, 2008
Friday, May 2, 2008
TGIF? Screw it all k?
Woke up with tears streaming down my face. I am screwed. Reminds me of a phase, "we are all non-virgins, because life has screwed us all." I don't know about others, but life definately is screwing me now. It would be much better if i can tear my heart away from my body, simply because it does not belong to me anymore. What a traitor. Going out for drinks now.
The day after Labour day
Just came back home. Went outside for a few hours, just downstairs chit-chatting with Martin, then heading over to Mac for breakfast. Martin is a friend i just got to know recently in the last one wk plus. So far we met up once for breakfast, and this time for supper. He is 28, graduated from Harvard, studied in Boston and New York for 5 years, working in a very very large company, earning truckloads of money due to the nature of his job. That is not including his sideline, which earns him a filthy amount of money too. I wonder why is it that in the last few mths, i actually had the chance to know guys who are earning far, far beyond what i would normally expected, an interesting trend. So far he seems to be alrite, and going by his supposed encounters with countless gals who wanted to know him, "a good catch".
He likes to give me lots of advice about life, interspected with true life stories to back it up. But i don't agree with all the things he says, and there were times we clashed heads together, and times where we firmly believed each of our own opinions is correct. I have told him time and time again that he is entitled to his own opinion, and i to mine. He claims i am stubborn, which i admitted i am. I do get worked up when he is trying to over rule certain things which i have an iron clad view of my own. Issues like trust, love, whether you should keep in contact with an ex.
He thinks its a great idea for me to go overseas if i want to experience their life or culture, but not if i am rumning away. So what if i am running away? Ha! The further the better. Anyway he did said something nice out of the blue during our conversation. He mentioned why he chose to come out with me and not some other gals is because he finds me genuine and without ulterior motives, and it's hard to find a person like that nowadays. Wow, like he can read me so easily when we've only just met each other up for 2 times? He really does have alot of knowledge for a 28 year old though. While eating breakfast, he was asking me if i ever saw Schindler's List, and i told him nope, because i know i will be deeply affected. Undaunted, he recounted the movie's storyline, and i ended up crying over my hotcakes. I told u so, Martin.
I am not sure if i will see him again though, because he will be going new york for work soon. But regardless, he did his best to motivate me with his pep talk and all. All the best for your trip.
He likes to give me lots of advice about life, interspected with true life stories to back it up. But i don't agree with all the things he says, and there were times we clashed heads together, and times where we firmly believed each of our own opinions is correct. I have told him time and time again that he is entitled to his own opinion, and i to mine. He claims i am stubborn, which i admitted i am. I do get worked up when he is trying to over rule certain things which i have an iron clad view of my own. Issues like trust, love, whether you should keep in contact with an ex.
He thinks its a great idea for me to go overseas if i want to experience their life or culture, but not if i am rumning away. So what if i am running away? Ha! The further the better. Anyway he did said something nice out of the blue during our conversation. He mentioned why he chose to come out with me and not some other gals is because he finds me genuine and without ulterior motives, and it's hard to find a person like that nowadays. Wow, like he can read me so easily when we've only just met each other up for 2 times? He really does have alot of knowledge for a 28 year old though. While eating breakfast, he was asking me if i ever saw Schindler's List, and i told him nope, because i know i will be deeply affected. Undaunted, he recounted the movie's storyline, and i ended up crying over my hotcakes. I told u so, Martin.
I am not sure if i will see him again though, because he will be going new york for work soon. But regardless, he did his best to motivate me with his pep talk and all. All the best for your trip.
Guardian Angel
A poem i wrote sometime back. Don't think it rhymes very much, but then i have never claimed to be a master of poetry.
He is my guardian angel
Unattainable.
Inscrutable.
Staying by me if my mind is in a whirl
Catching me if ever I should falter
He watches over me as I lay in deep sleep
An imaginery kiss from him and I'll be released
His beauty lies within, somewhere the depths I couldn't reach
His mask hides a world of his own
Intriguing yet so beguiling
Compelling me with a force I don't understand
Captures my heart like some strange affliction
He is just a few steps away, a deception, my delusion
Be still my fervent heart
Let it beat softly without strain
Hide that gaping emptiness from his sight
Let my face be a well trained act of normalcy
And My hands, well refrained with whatever will I can muster
No reaching out to shatter this dream
In return, he'll never leave
He is my guardian angel
Unattainable.
Inscrutable.
Staying by me if my mind is in a whirl
Catching me if ever I should falter
He watches over me as I lay in deep sleep
An imaginery kiss from him and I'll be released
His beauty lies within, somewhere the depths I couldn't reach
His mask hides a world of his own
Intriguing yet so beguiling
Compelling me with a force I don't understand
Captures my heart like some strange affliction
He is just a few steps away, a deception, my delusion
Be still my fervent heart
Let it beat softly without strain
Hide that gaping emptiness from his sight
Let my face be a well trained act of normalcy
And My hands, well refrained with whatever will I can muster
No reaching out to shatter this dream
In return, he'll never leave
Appreciation
A friend sent this to me. I teared while reading. Yes, some of you might just go, "oh, its one of those sappy thingy again"...but so?! I enjoyed it just as much.
BEING A MOTHER...
After 17 years of marriage, my wife wanted me to
take another woman out to dinner and a movie. She
said, 'I love you, but I know this other woman loves
you and would love to spend some time with you.'
* * *
The other woman that my wife wanted me to visit
was my MOTHER, who has been alone for 20 years,
but the demands of my work and my two boys had
made it possible to visit her only occasionally.
* * *
That night I called to invite her to go out for
dinner and a movie.
* * *
'What's wrong, aren't you well,' she asked?
* * *
My mother is the type of woman who suspects that a
late night call or a surprise invitation is a sign
of bad news.
* * *
'I thought it would be pleasant to spend some
time with you,' I responded. 'Just the two of us.'
She thought about it for a moment, and then said,
'I would like that very much.'
* * *
That Friday after work, as I drove over to pick her up I was a bit nervous. When I arrived at her
house, I noticed that she, too, seemed to be nervous
about our date. She waited in the door. She had curled her hair and was wearing the dress that she had worn to celebrate her last
birthday on November 19th.
* * *
She smiled from a face that was as radiant as an
angels. 'I told my friends that I was going to go
out with my son, and they were impressed,' she said,
as she got into that new white van. 'They can't wait to hear about our date'.
* * *
We went to a restaurant that, although not
elegant, was very nice and cozy. My mother took my
arm as if she were the First Lady. After we sat
down, I had to read the menu. Her eyes could only
read large print. Half way through the entries, I
lifted my eyes and saw Mom sitting there staring at
me. A nostalgic smile was on her lips. 'It was I
who used to have to read the menu when you were
small,' she said. 'Then it's time that you relax and
let me return the favor,' I responded.
* * *
During the dinner, we had an agreeable
conversation-nothing extraordinary but catching up
on recent events of each other's life. We talked so
much that we missed the movie.
* * *
As we arrived at her house later, she said, 'I'll
go out with you again, but only if you let me invite
you.' I agreed.
* * *
'How was your dinner date ?' asked my wife when I
got home.
'Very nice. Much more so than I could have imagined,' I answered.
* * *
A few days later, my mother died of a massive
heart attack. It happened so suddenly that I didn't
have a chance to do anything for her.
* * *
Some time later, I received an envelope with a
copy of a restaurant receipt from the same place
mother and I had dined. An attached note said: 'I
paid this bill in advance. I wasn't sure that I
could be there; but nevertheless, I paid for two
plates - one for you and the other for your wife.
You will never know what that night meant for me. I
love you, son.'
* * *
At that moment, I understood the importance of
saying in time: 'I LOVE YOU' and to give our loved
ones the time that they deserve. Nothing in life is
more important than your family. Give them the time
they deserve, because these things cannot be put off
till 'some other time.'
* * *
Somebody said it takes about 6 weeks to get back
to normal after you've had a baby.... somebody
doesn't know that once you're a mother, 'normal' is history.
* * *
Somebody said you learn how to be a mother by
instinct... somebody never took a three-year-old shopping.
* * *
Somebody said being a mother is boring....
somebody never rode in a car driven by a teenager with a driver's permit. Somebody said if you're a' good' mother,
your child will 'turn out good'....
somebody thinks a child comes with
directions and a guarantee.
* * *
Somebody said you don't need an education to be a
mother.... somebody never helped a fourth grader
with his math.
* * *
Somebody said you can't love the second child as
much as you love the first.... somebody doesn't have two children.
* * *
Somebody said the hardest part of being a mother
is labor and delivery....
somebody never watched her 'baby' get on the bus
for the first day of kindergarten ...
or on a plane headed for military 'boot camp.'
* * *
Somebody said a mother can stop worrying after her
child gets married....somebody doesn't know that
marriage adds a new son or daughter-in-law to a
mother's heartstrings.
* * *
Somebody said a mother's job is done when her last
child leaves home....somebody never had
grandchildren.
* * *
Somebody said your mother knows you love her, so
you don't need to tell her.... somebody isn't a
mother.
* * *
Pass this along to all the 'mothers' in your life
And to everyone who ever had a mother. This isn't
just about being a mother; it's about appreciating
The people in your life while you have them....no matter who that person is.
BEING A MOTHER...
After 17 years of marriage, my wife wanted me to
take another woman out to dinner and a movie. She
said, 'I love you, but I know this other woman loves
you and would love to spend some time with you.'
* * *
The other woman that my wife wanted me to visit
was my MOTHER, who has been alone for 20 years,
but the demands of my work and my two boys had
made it possible to visit her only occasionally.
* * *
That night I called to invite her to go out for
dinner and a movie.
* * *
'What's wrong, aren't you well,' she asked?
* * *
My mother is the type of woman who suspects that a
late night call or a surprise invitation is a sign
of bad news.
* * *
'I thought it would be pleasant to spend some
time with you,' I responded. 'Just the two of us.'
She thought about it for a moment, and then said,
'I would like that very much.'
* * *
That Friday after work, as I drove over to pick her up I was a bit nervous. When I arrived at her
house, I noticed that she, too, seemed to be nervous
about our date. She waited in the door. She had curled her hair and was wearing the dress that she had worn to celebrate her last
birthday on November 19th.
* * *
She smiled from a face that was as radiant as an
angels. 'I told my friends that I was going to go
out with my son, and they were impressed,' she said,
as she got into that new white van. 'They can't wait to hear about our date'.
* * *
We went to a restaurant that, although not
elegant, was very nice and cozy. My mother took my
arm as if she were the First Lady. After we sat
down, I had to read the menu. Her eyes could only
read large print. Half way through the entries, I
lifted my eyes and saw Mom sitting there staring at
me. A nostalgic smile was on her lips. 'It was I
who used to have to read the menu when you were
small,' she said. 'Then it's time that you relax and
let me return the favor,' I responded.
* * *
During the dinner, we had an agreeable
conversation-nothing extraordinary but catching up
on recent events of each other's life. We talked so
much that we missed the movie.
* * *
As we arrived at her house later, she said, 'I'll
go out with you again, but only if you let me invite
you.' I agreed.
* * *
'How was your dinner date ?' asked my wife when I
got home.
'Very nice. Much more so than I could have imagined,' I answered.
* * *
A few days later, my mother died of a massive
heart attack. It happened so suddenly that I didn't
have a chance to do anything for her.
* * *
Some time later, I received an envelope with a
copy of a restaurant receipt from the same place
mother and I had dined. An attached note said: 'I
paid this bill in advance. I wasn't sure that I
could be there; but nevertheless, I paid for two
plates - one for you and the other for your wife.
You will never know what that night meant for me. I
love you, son.'
* * *
At that moment, I understood the importance of
saying in time: 'I LOVE YOU' and to give our loved
ones the time that they deserve. Nothing in life is
more important than your family. Give them the time
they deserve, because these things cannot be put off
till 'some other time.'
* * *
Somebody said it takes about 6 weeks to get back
to normal after you've had a baby.... somebody
doesn't know that once you're a mother, 'normal' is history.
* * *
Somebody said you learn how to be a mother by
instinct... somebody never took a three-year-old shopping.
* * *
Somebody said being a mother is boring....
somebody never rode in a car driven by a teenager with a driver's permit. Somebody said if you're a' good' mother,
your child will 'turn out good'....
somebody thinks a child comes with
directions and a guarantee.
* * *
Somebody said you don't need an education to be a
mother.... somebody never helped a fourth grader
with his math.
* * *
Somebody said you can't love the second child as
much as you love the first.... somebody doesn't have two children.
* * *
Somebody said the hardest part of being a mother
is labor and delivery....
somebody never watched her 'baby' get on the bus
for the first day of kindergarten ...
or on a plane headed for military 'boot camp.'
* * *
Somebody said a mother can stop worrying after her
child gets married....somebody doesn't know that
marriage adds a new son or daughter-in-law to a
mother's heartstrings.
* * *
Somebody said a mother's job is done when her last
child leaves home....somebody never had
grandchildren.
* * *
Somebody said your mother knows you love her, so
you don't need to tell her.... somebody isn't a
mother.
* * *
Pass this along to all the 'mothers' in your life
And to everyone who ever had a mother. This isn't
just about being a mother; it's about appreciating
The people in your life while you have them....no matter who that person is.
Thursday, May 1, 2008
The Worst and Best of times
Met up with Secret for dinner at Suntec which is an improvement, at least the place there does not traumatize me. I gave him a book, wrapped up to surprise him. He unwrapped it on the spot, and i was glad that at least he has never read the book before. If he is be able to find the book useful, then it would have served it's purpose and i would be happy.
After that, we went to sky garden for a short stroll and sat down on a bench. It was pretty much in silence. What shall we talk about when all the most important stuff must be left unsaid? Sometimes, it's as if an invisible barrier separated us, and will remain on as long as things are complicated. He said some stuff that briefly made me feel like crying, but i remembered my resolve to shoulder and walk on. If this thing can weaken my spirit so easily, then i should not have chosen this path at all.
Went down to Amk Mac to meet up with S. Have not really had a good talk with her since a long time back. I am glad everything is water under the bridge now. At that time, i was not even truly angry with her, just mainly hurt by her words. I have come to realize how easily words can hurt somebody. When a person is hurt, they will either withdraw back or lash out at the person. And just maybe, things will not be the same anymore.
She was kind enough to suggest that i can come visit her and stay in Beijing for a while. I really hope it will do me good. It is the hope that staying in a foreign land will make me stronger, more independent, and mould me to be a better person. I can reflect quietly on what i want my life direction to be heading. Even now, my heart feels heavy. This place has too many burdens and memories for me. If i can leave for a while, if i can find the courage the leave the person i loved behind, it would be good for both of us. It will be my gift to him. And life in a strange land might create boundless opportunities, for who knows what tomorrow might bring? At the very least, new perceptions will be made, and i might find a way out...
It might just be the worst, and the best of times after all.
The Quarter-Life Crisis
by unknown
It is when you stop going along with the crowd and start realizing that there are a lot of things about yourself that you didn't know and may or may not like. You start feeling insecure and wonder where you will be in a year or two, but then get scared because you barely know where you are now.
You start realizing that people are selfish and that, maybe, those friends that you thought you were so close to aren't exactly the greatest people you have ever met and the people you have lost touch with are some of the most important ones. What you do not realize is that they are realizing that too and are not really cold or catty or mean or insincere, but that they are as confused as you.
You look at your job. It is not even close to what you thought you would be doing or maybe you are looking for one and realizing that you are going to have to start at the bottom and are scared.
You miss the comforts of college, of groups, of socializing with the same people on a constant basis. But then you realize that maybe they weren't so great after all.
You are beginning to understand yourself and what you want and do not want. Your opinions have gotten stronger. You see what others are doing and find yourself judging a bit more than usual because suddenly you realize that you have certain boundaries in your life and add things to your list of what is acceptable and what is not. You are insecure and then secure. You laugh and cry with the greatest force of your life. You feel alone and scared and confused. Suddenly change is the enemy and you try and cling on to the past with dear life but soon realize that the past is drifting further and further away and there is nothing to do but stay where you are or move forward.
You get your heart broken and wonder how someone you loved could do such damage to you or you lay in bed and wonder why you can't meet anyone decent enough to get to know better. You love someone but maybe love someone else too and cannot figure out why you are doing this because you are not a bad person.
One night stands and random hook ups start to look cheap and getting wasted and acting like an idiot starts to look pathetic. You go through the same emotions and questions over and over and talk with your friends about the same topics because you cannot seem to make a decision.
You worry about loans and money and the future and making a life for yourself and while wining the race would be great, right now you'd just like to be a contender!
What you may not realize is that everyone reading this relates to it. We are in our best of times and our worst of times, trying as hard as we can to figure this whole thing out.
After that, we went to sky garden for a short stroll and sat down on a bench. It was pretty much in silence. What shall we talk about when all the most important stuff must be left unsaid? Sometimes, it's as if an invisible barrier separated us, and will remain on as long as things are complicated. He said some stuff that briefly made me feel like crying, but i remembered my resolve to shoulder and walk on. If this thing can weaken my spirit so easily, then i should not have chosen this path at all.
Went down to Amk Mac to meet up with S. Have not really had a good talk with her since a long time back. I am glad everything is water under the bridge now. At that time, i was not even truly angry with her, just mainly hurt by her words. I have come to realize how easily words can hurt somebody. When a person is hurt, they will either withdraw back or lash out at the person. And just maybe, things will not be the same anymore.
She was kind enough to suggest that i can come visit her and stay in Beijing for a while. I really hope it will do me good. It is the hope that staying in a foreign land will make me stronger, more independent, and mould me to be a better person. I can reflect quietly on what i want my life direction to be heading. Even now, my heart feels heavy. This place has too many burdens and memories for me. If i can leave for a while, if i can find the courage the leave the person i loved behind, it would be good for both of us. It will be my gift to him. And life in a strange land might create boundless opportunities, for who knows what tomorrow might bring? At the very least, new perceptions will be made, and i might find a way out...
It might just be the worst, and the best of times after all.
The Quarter-Life Crisis
by unknown
It is when you stop going along with the crowd and start realizing that there are a lot of things about yourself that you didn't know and may or may not like. You start feeling insecure and wonder where you will be in a year or two, but then get scared because you barely know where you are now.
You start realizing that people are selfish and that, maybe, those friends that you thought you were so close to aren't exactly the greatest people you have ever met and the people you have lost touch with are some of the most important ones. What you do not realize is that they are realizing that too and are not really cold or catty or mean or insincere, but that they are as confused as you.
You look at your job. It is not even close to what you thought you would be doing or maybe you are looking for one and realizing that you are going to have to start at the bottom and are scared.
You miss the comforts of college, of groups, of socializing with the same people on a constant basis. But then you realize that maybe they weren't so great after all.
You are beginning to understand yourself and what you want and do not want. Your opinions have gotten stronger. You see what others are doing and find yourself judging a bit more than usual because suddenly you realize that you have certain boundaries in your life and add things to your list of what is acceptable and what is not. You are insecure and then secure. You laugh and cry with the greatest force of your life. You feel alone and scared and confused. Suddenly change is the enemy and you try and cling on to the past with dear life but soon realize that the past is drifting further and further away and there is nothing to do but stay where you are or move forward.
You get your heart broken and wonder how someone you loved could do such damage to you or you lay in bed and wonder why you can't meet anyone decent enough to get to know better. You love someone but maybe love someone else too and cannot figure out why you are doing this because you are not a bad person.
One night stands and random hook ups start to look cheap and getting wasted and acting like an idiot starts to look pathetic. You go through the same emotions and questions over and over and talk with your friends about the same topics because you cannot seem to make a decision.
You worry about loans and money and the future and making a life for yourself and while wining the race would be great, right now you'd just like to be a contender!
What you may not realize is that everyone reading this relates to it. We are in our best of times and our worst of times, trying as hard as we can to figure this whole thing out.
Wednesday, April 30, 2008
On Listening By Ralph Roughton
An angel is the person who left an indelible footprint in your heart. He might not come in flowing gowns nor a harp, but he comforts, he listens and he calms. His energy flows to you quietly not by speech or action, but by presence. There is an angel in everyone of us. :)
When I ask you to listen to me and you start by giving advice, you have not done what I have asked.
When I ask you to listen to me and you begin to tell me why I shouldn't feel that way, you are trampling on my feelings.
When I ask you to listen to me and you feel you have to do something to solve my problem, you have failed me, strange as it may seem.
Listen! All I ask is that you listen, not talk or do - just hear me... I can do for myself. I'm not helpless. Maybe discouraged and faltering, but not helpless.
When you do something for me that I can and need to do for myself, you contribute to my fear and inadequacy.
But when you accept as simple fact that I do feel what I feel, no matter how irrational, then I can quit trying to convince you and get about the business of understanding what's behind this irrational feeling. And when that's clear, the answers are obvious and I don't need advice.
Irrational feelings make sense when we understand what's behind them.
Perhaps that's why prayer works, sometimes, for some people...because God is mute, and He doesn't give advice or try to fix things. God just listens and lets you work it out yourself.
So, please listen and just hear me. And if you want to talk, wait a minute for your turn, and I'll listen to you.
When I ask you to listen to me and you start by giving advice, you have not done what I have asked.
When I ask you to listen to me and you begin to tell me why I shouldn't feel that way, you are trampling on my feelings.
When I ask you to listen to me and you feel you have to do something to solve my problem, you have failed me, strange as it may seem.
Listen! All I ask is that you listen, not talk or do - just hear me... I can do for myself. I'm not helpless. Maybe discouraged and faltering, but not helpless.
When you do something for me that I can and need to do for myself, you contribute to my fear and inadequacy.
But when you accept as simple fact that I do feel what I feel, no matter how irrational, then I can quit trying to convince you and get about the business of understanding what's behind this irrational feeling. And when that's clear, the answers are obvious and I don't need advice.
Irrational feelings make sense when we understand what's behind them.
Perhaps that's why prayer works, sometimes, for some people...because God is mute, and He doesn't give advice or try to fix things. God just listens and lets you work it out yourself.
So, please listen and just hear me. And if you want to talk, wait a minute for your turn, and I'll listen to you.
Tuesday, April 29, 2008
Definately? Maybe...?
S and i had a crytic conversation in the noon. We were just talking in general when she pop out something entirely off tack. It went sorta like below...
S: eh Z told me u want to wait rite? Then u should go watch Definately Maybe!
Me: huh? wat u mean? wat are u talking abt? wat does that have to do with this show?
S: just go watch! its very nice!
Me: har realli? so who did the guy choose in the end?
S: cannot tell u, u watch it then u know.
Me: but who did the guy choose in the end?
S: u watch then u know lo.
Me: but i need to know who did the guy choose in the end before i decide to go watch!
S: of course the guy chose the gal who waited for him la!
Me: are u sure or not? but which one?
S: u should go watch! it will lift up ur spirits!
Me: .....(lamely) but who did the guy choose....
S: eh Z told me u want to wait rite? Then u should go watch Definately Maybe!
Me: huh? wat u mean? wat are u talking abt? wat does that have to do with this show?
S: just go watch! its very nice!
Me: har realli? so who did the guy choose in the end?
S: cannot tell u, u watch it then u know.
Me: but who did the guy choose in the end?
S: u watch then u know lo.
Me: but i need to know who did the guy choose in the end before i decide to go watch!
S: of course the guy chose the gal who waited for him la!
Me: are u sure or not? but which one?
S: u should go watch! it will lift up ur spirits!
Me: .....(lamely) but who did the guy choose....
Sleepless
I can't get to sleep. I laid in bed for a long time, tossing and turning, sometimes opening my eyes to look into the darkness. Dread fills every fibre of my being, spreading from the tips of my fingers, up my arms, my face and down to my legs. My heartbeat is erratic and my breathing comes in shallow and uneven spurts. My mind is in a panicked state and its all because Secret(why secret, you may ask?...it's a secret) suggested meeting for dinner at Marina Square. My heart sank.
I hate Marina Square and I hate Esplanade. The places are linked to a nightmarish memory that haunts and torments me still. I hate them, because i still cannot walk pass the place without the forbidden memory popping up in my mind. I hate them, i tried to shove the bad memories out and it keeps coming back. They are toxic and i need to to hide them in the darkest recesses of my mind and never visit them again.
I hate them with an intensity no one would understand.
I hate Marina Square and I hate Esplanade. The places are linked to a nightmarish memory that haunts and torments me still. I hate them, because i still cannot walk pass the place without the forbidden memory popping up in my mind. I hate them, i tried to shove the bad memories out and it keeps coming back. They are toxic and i need to to hide them in the darkest recesses of my mind and never visit them again.
I hate them with an intensity no one would understand.
The Dolls of Love
This is my favourite online love story. I stumbled on it a few years ago. It moved me to tears and was imprinted in my mind. Recollecting the story, i once bought a recordable doll, recorded the words that person would like most for me to say to him, and gave it to him as a surprise..So when the battery goes flat one day and the words do not come out anymore, does the meaning of the gift go away?
Another touching story, that things might not be what they seem. Surprises and the sweetest of them comes in small packages. And this story shows just that, don't underestimate the littlest of gestures for they might actually be the ones which you will remember for life.
I have a boyfriend who grew up with me. His name is Jin. I always thought of him as a friend until last year, when we went to a trip from a club. I found that I fell in love with him.
Before that trip was over, I took a step and confessed my love for him. And soon, we became a pair of lovers, but we loved each other in different ways. I always concentrated on him only, but by his side, there were so many other girls. To me, he was the only one, but to him, maybe I was just another girl…
Jin, do you want to go watch a movie?" I asked.“I can’t”“Why? You need to study at home?” I felt disappointmentgrabbing me.
“No… I am going to meet a friend…”
He was always like that. He met girls in front of me, like it was nothing. To him, I was just a girlfriend. The word ‘love’ only came out from my mouth. Since I knew him, I had never heard him say ‘I love you’ before. To us, there weren’t any anniversaries at all.He didn’t say anything from the first day and it continued till 100 days…200days… Everyday, before we say goodbye, he would just hand me a doll, everyday, without fail. I don’t know why…
Then one day…
Me: Um, Jin, I …
Jin: What…don’t drag, just say..
Me: I love you.
Jin: ……you….um, just take this doll and go home.
That was how he ignored my ‘three words’ and handed me the doll. Then he disappeared, like he was running away. The dolls I received from him everyday, filled my room, one by one. There were many…
Then one day came, my 15th year old birthday. When I got up in the morning, I pictured a party with him, and stranded myself in my room, waiting for his call. But… lunch passed, dinner passed… and soon the sky was dark… he still didn’t call. It was already tiring to look at the phone anymore. Then around 2am in the morning, he suddenly called me and woke me from my sleep. He told me to come out of the house. Still, I felt joy and I ran out happily.
Me: Jin…
Jin: Here…take this…
Again, he handed me a little doll.
Me: What’s this?
Jin: I didn’t give it to you yesterday, so I am giving it to you now. I’m going home now, bye.
Me: Wait, wait! Do you know what today is?
Jin: Today? Huh?
I felt so sad, I thought he would remember my birthday. He turned around and walked away like nothing had happen.Then I shouted… “Wait…”
Jin: You have something to say?
Me: Tell me, tell me you love me…
Jin: What?!
Me: Tell me
I put my pathetic self behind and clung on to him. But he just said simple cold words and left.“I don’t want to say…that I love someone so easily, if you are desperate to hear it, then find someone else.”That was what he said. Then he ran off. My legs felt numb… and I collapsed to the ground. He didn’t want to say it easily… How could he…. I felt that… Maybe he is not the right guy for me…
After that day, I stranded myself at home crying, just crying. He didn’t call me, although I was waiting. He just continued handing me a little doll every morning outside my house. That’s how those dolls piled up in my room… everyday
After a month, I got myself together and went to school. But what made the pain resurface was that… I saw him on a street… with another girl… He had a smile on his face, one that he never showed me…as he touched the doll… I ran straight back home and looked at the dolls in my room, and tears fell… Why did he gave these to me… Those dolls are probably picked out by some other girls…In a fit of anger, I threw the dolls around. Then suddenly, the phone rang. It was him.
He told me to come out to the bus stop outside my house. I tried to calm myself down and walked to the bus stop. I kept reminding myself that I am going to forget him, that… it’s going to end. Then he came into my sight, holding a big doll.
Jin: Jo, I thought you were pissed, you really came?I couldn’t help hating him, acting like nothing had happen and joking around. Soon, he held out the doll as usual…
Me: I don’t need it.
Jin: What….why…
I grabbed the doll from his hands and threw it on the road.
Me: I don’t need this doll, I don’t need it anymore!! I don’t want to see a person like you again!
I spitted out all the words that were inside me. But unlike other days, his eyes very shaking.“I’m sorry”He apologized in a tiny voice.He then walked over to the road to pick up the doll…
Me: You stupid! Why are you picking up the doll?! Just throw it away!!!
But he ignored me and just went to pick the doll. Then…
Honk~ Honk~With a loud honk, a big truck was heading towards him.“Jin! Move! Move away!” I shouted…But he didn’t hear me, he squatted down and picked up the doll.“Jin, move!”HONK~!!“Boom!” That sound, so terrifying.That’s how he went away from me.That’s how he went away without even opening his eyes to say one word to me.After that day, I had to go through everyday with guiltiness and the sadness of losing him… And after spending two months like a crazy person… I took out the dolls.
Those were the only gifts he left me since the day we started going out. I remembered the days I spent with him and started to count the days… when we were in love…
“One…two… three…”That was how… I started to count the dolls…“Four hundred and eighty four… four hundred and eightyfive…”It all ended with 485 dolls.I then started to cry again, with a doll in my arms. I hugged it tightly, then suddenly…
“I love you~, I love you~”
I dropped the dolls,shocked.
“I….lo..ve…you??”
I picked up the dolls and pressed its stomach.
“I love you~ I love you~”
It can’t be! I pressed all the dolls’ stomach as it piled on the side.
“I love you~”
“I love you~”
“I love you~”
Those words came out non-stop. I…love you… Why didn’t I realize that….That his heart was always by my side, protecting me. Why didn’t I realize that he love me this much… I took out the doll under the bed and pressed it’s stomach,that was the last doll, the one that fell on the road. It had his blood stain on it. The voice came out, the on that I was missing so much…
“Jo…Do you know what today is? We’ve been loving each other for 486 days. Do you know what 486 is? I couldn’t say I love you…. Um… since I was too shy… If you forgive me and take this doll, I will say that I love you… everyday… till I die… Jo… I love you…”
The tears came flowing out of me. Why? Why? I asked god, why do I only know about all this now? He can’t be by my side, but he loved me until his last minute…
For that… and for that reason… to me… it became courage… to live a beautiful life….
Another touching story, that things might not be what they seem. Surprises and the sweetest of them comes in small packages. And this story shows just that, don't underestimate the littlest of gestures for they might actually be the ones which you will remember for life.
I have a boyfriend who grew up with me. His name is Jin. I always thought of him as a friend until last year, when we went to a trip from a club. I found that I fell in love with him.
Before that trip was over, I took a step and confessed my love for him. And soon, we became a pair of lovers, but we loved each other in different ways. I always concentrated on him only, but by his side, there were so many other girls. To me, he was the only one, but to him, maybe I was just another girl…
Jin, do you want to go watch a movie?" I asked.“I can’t”“Why? You need to study at home?” I felt disappointmentgrabbing me.
“No… I am going to meet a friend…”
He was always like that. He met girls in front of me, like it was nothing. To him, I was just a girlfriend. The word ‘love’ only came out from my mouth. Since I knew him, I had never heard him say ‘I love you’ before. To us, there weren’t any anniversaries at all.He didn’t say anything from the first day and it continued till 100 days…200days… Everyday, before we say goodbye, he would just hand me a doll, everyday, without fail. I don’t know why…
Then one day…
Me: Um, Jin, I …
Jin: What…don’t drag, just say..
Me: I love you.
Jin: ……you….um, just take this doll and go home.
That was how he ignored my ‘three words’ and handed me the doll. Then he disappeared, like he was running away. The dolls I received from him everyday, filled my room, one by one. There were many…
Then one day came, my 15th year old birthday. When I got up in the morning, I pictured a party with him, and stranded myself in my room, waiting for his call. But… lunch passed, dinner passed… and soon the sky was dark… he still didn’t call. It was already tiring to look at the phone anymore. Then around 2am in the morning, he suddenly called me and woke me from my sleep. He told me to come out of the house. Still, I felt joy and I ran out happily.
Me: Jin…
Jin: Here…take this…
Again, he handed me a little doll.
Me: What’s this?
Jin: I didn’t give it to you yesterday, so I am giving it to you now. I’m going home now, bye.
Me: Wait, wait! Do you know what today is?
Jin: Today? Huh?
I felt so sad, I thought he would remember my birthday. He turned around and walked away like nothing had happen.Then I shouted… “Wait…”
Jin: You have something to say?
Me: Tell me, tell me you love me…
Jin: What?!
Me: Tell me
I put my pathetic self behind and clung on to him. But he just said simple cold words and left.“I don’t want to say…that I love someone so easily, if you are desperate to hear it, then find someone else.”That was what he said. Then he ran off. My legs felt numb… and I collapsed to the ground. He didn’t want to say it easily… How could he…. I felt that… Maybe he is not the right guy for me…
After that day, I stranded myself at home crying, just crying. He didn’t call me, although I was waiting. He just continued handing me a little doll every morning outside my house. That’s how those dolls piled up in my room… everyday
After a month, I got myself together and went to school. But what made the pain resurface was that… I saw him on a street… with another girl… He had a smile on his face, one that he never showed me…as he touched the doll… I ran straight back home and looked at the dolls in my room, and tears fell… Why did he gave these to me… Those dolls are probably picked out by some other girls…In a fit of anger, I threw the dolls around. Then suddenly, the phone rang. It was him.
He told me to come out to the bus stop outside my house. I tried to calm myself down and walked to the bus stop. I kept reminding myself that I am going to forget him, that… it’s going to end. Then he came into my sight, holding a big doll.
Jin: Jo, I thought you were pissed, you really came?I couldn’t help hating him, acting like nothing had happen and joking around. Soon, he held out the doll as usual…
Me: I don’t need it.
Jin: What….why…
I grabbed the doll from his hands and threw it on the road.
Me: I don’t need this doll, I don’t need it anymore!! I don’t want to see a person like you again!
I spitted out all the words that were inside me. But unlike other days, his eyes very shaking.“I’m sorry”He apologized in a tiny voice.He then walked over to the road to pick up the doll…
Me: You stupid! Why are you picking up the doll?! Just throw it away!!!
But he ignored me and just went to pick the doll. Then…
Honk~ Honk~With a loud honk, a big truck was heading towards him.“Jin! Move! Move away!” I shouted…But he didn’t hear me, he squatted down and picked up the doll.“Jin, move!”HONK~!!“Boom!” That sound, so terrifying.That’s how he went away from me.That’s how he went away without even opening his eyes to say one word to me.After that day, I had to go through everyday with guiltiness and the sadness of losing him… And after spending two months like a crazy person… I took out the dolls.
Those were the only gifts he left me since the day we started going out. I remembered the days I spent with him and started to count the days… when we were in love…
“One…two… three…”That was how… I started to count the dolls…“Four hundred and eighty four… four hundred and eightyfive…”It all ended with 485 dolls.I then started to cry again, with a doll in my arms. I hugged it tightly, then suddenly…
“I love you~, I love you~”
I dropped the dolls,shocked.
“I….lo..ve…you??”
I picked up the dolls and pressed its stomach.
“I love you~ I love you~”
It can’t be! I pressed all the dolls’ stomach as it piled on the side.
“I love you~”
“I love you~”
“I love you~”
Those words came out non-stop. I…love you… Why didn’t I realize that….That his heart was always by my side, protecting me. Why didn’t I realize that he love me this much… I took out the doll under the bed and pressed it’s stomach,that was the last doll, the one that fell on the road. It had his blood stain on it. The voice came out, the on that I was missing so much…
“Jo…Do you know what today is? We’ve been loving each other for 486 days. Do you know what 486 is? I couldn’t say I love you…. Um… since I was too shy… If you forgive me and take this doll, I will say that I love you… everyday… till I die… Jo… I love you…”
The tears came flowing out of me. Why? Why? I asked god, why do I only know about all this now? He can’t be by my side, but he loved me until his last minute…
For that… and for that reason… to me… it became courage… to live a beautiful life….
Late night dinner
C and i met up for a late dinner at Botak Jones. A series of misunderstandings about the location to meet push the timing to one hr later. (phew!) The place was hot but luckily the food was not bad. When we reached, they were already at their last order and alot of things were not available. So in the end we just ordered a plate fish and chips, shitake mushrooms and chilli corn carne as sides. AND in addition they served us an extra plate of fish and chips plus two slices of mango chesse and oreo cheese cake as an apology for having most of the orders not available. Wow, we really got a good deal of it.
It was great to meet up with C, the last time we met was in Jan and some stuff happened since then. As usual, we ate and exchange updates about our life, followed by a short trip down to her house. Her mum din change much, always asking if i had a bf. It's been ten years and my answer has always been a negative. In the end i told her mum no need to ask, prob my answer will still remain the same a few years down the road. :)
How time flies. C and i used to be best friends in secondary school. But people grow up and they take different paths. It's a reality of life. We have drifted apart with the passing of time and the difference of priorities in life.
At this age, i would hesitate to define any friends in the "best friend" category. Nor would i go about labelling anyone as a good friend. It's the cautious part in me, as i've learnt that the more expectations you put on a person, ultimately they will let you down in some way or other. Good friends, even best friends, don't pin too much hopes on them.
A friend once told me, at different phases in our life, we tend to have a set of good friends, "brothers" or "sisters". The type of friends you hang out with shifts according to the stages of life, only family will always be the same. It makes sense for different friends to step in and out of your life, some just for a little while.
Someone else also told me, " the only person who can help you is yourself." I can understand where he is coming from, although no man can ever be an island, entire of itself. Just do your own part and don't expect the other party to reciprocrate in kind. I am still glad to have C as a friend, we still care for each other, that's most important. Anything else is just part and parcel of life.
I be going down to kinokuniya at orchard tomorrow afternoon to buy books, one as a surprise gift of encouragement for Secret, the other one as a belated bd present i promised to DF. Meeting S for afternoon tea, Shixing and Kennedy for ktv in the evening. Hope everything goes well.
It was great to meet up with C, the last time we met was in Jan and some stuff happened since then. As usual, we ate and exchange updates about our life, followed by a short trip down to her house. Her mum din change much, always asking if i had a bf. It's been ten years and my answer has always been a negative. In the end i told her mum no need to ask, prob my answer will still remain the same a few years down the road. :)
How time flies. C and i used to be best friends in secondary school. But people grow up and they take different paths. It's a reality of life. We have drifted apart with the passing of time and the difference of priorities in life.
At this age, i would hesitate to define any friends in the "best friend" category. Nor would i go about labelling anyone as a good friend. It's the cautious part in me, as i've learnt that the more expectations you put on a person, ultimately they will let you down in some way or other. Good friends, even best friends, don't pin too much hopes on them.
A friend once told me, at different phases in our life, we tend to have a set of good friends, "brothers" or "sisters". The type of friends you hang out with shifts according to the stages of life, only family will always be the same. It makes sense for different friends to step in and out of your life, some just for a little while.
Someone else also told me, " the only person who can help you is yourself." I can understand where he is coming from, although no man can ever be an island, entire of itself. Just do your own part and don't expect the other party to reciprocrate in kind. I am still glad to have C as a friend, we still care for each other, that's most important. Anything else is just part and parcel of life.
I be going down to kinokuniya at orchard tomorrow afternoon to buy books, one as a surprise gift of encouragement for Secret, the other one as a belated bd present i promised to DF. Meeting S for afternoon tea, Shixing and Kennedy for ktv in the evening. Hope everything goes well.
Monday, April 28, 2008
Prata Session
Went to meet up Ding Feng at Sunplaza for a prata session today. Have not saw him for sometime since the last meeting where we talked at the playground underneath his block. It's great to meet him up because he is good company. One thing about him is that he is straightforward, doesn't mince words and takes no crap from anybody. We talked about what's going on in our life over prata and drinks.
He was mentioning abt this phase, " its only after we have lost everything that we are free to do to do anything". This seems to stem from a buddhist viewpoint, but have to say i agreed with him. It's because humans have too many attachments, be it emotional or otherwise, that binds us from maybe seeing a different path. Its only when we liberate ourselves from people and things that we are brave to do what we wished...? And yet, we are humans after all, and which human does not bind himself to earthly things? Its because we are human that we are able feel such a wide range of emotions. And which i was telling him, from a scientific point of view or a detached view of myself, even i am amazed that i can actually feel so much in me. That i never thought i had it in me, for i can be quite realistic when i had to in the past and yet even my own emotions can be pushed to this extent. Like, if you ever think you can't live without someone, its laughable and wondorous at the same time. But how amazing.
Anyway Ding Feng is quite funny, everytime he catches me drifting off in my own thoughts, he try to distract me. "See, there you go again!" I laughed sheepishly whenever he catches me doing that. But he can be a dose of reality, its nice.
He was mentioning abt this phase, " its only after we have lost everything that we are free to do to do anything". This seems to stem from a buddhist viewpoint, but have to say i agreed with him. It's because humans have too many attachments, be it emotional or otherwise, that binds us from maybe seeing a different path. Its only when we liberate ourselves from people and things that we are brave to do what we wished...? And yet, we are humans after all, and which human does not bind himself to earthly things? Its because we are human that we are able feel such a wide range of emotions. And which i was telling him, from a scientific point of view or a detached view of myself, even i am amazed that i can actually feel so much in me. That i never thought i had it in me, for i can be quite realistic when i had to in the past and yet even my own emotions can be pushed to this extent. Like, if you ever think you can't live without someone, its laughable and wondorous at the same time. But how amazing.
Anyway Ding Feng is quite funny, everytime he catches me drifting off in my own thoughts, he try to distract me. "See, there you go again!" I laughed sheepishly whenever he catches me doing that. But he can be a dose of reality, its nice.
My First Post
I was inspired by a friend of mine to start a blog. I have already a secret location where i posted in all my private thoughts, so this blog is more for rambling on whatever catches my fancy or updates about this too ordinary life of mine. I love to write and it would probably be good therapy to express what i cannot bring out in speech nor in action. In fact, the person i talk most to is probably myself, as friends who have catch me "stoning" in action would be able to testify.
I am aware that most people might not come in, except for friends who know me well enough? That would be a relief for me i guess, because i am more of a private than public person. And therefore on this blog, it would be more of an outlet to pour out my thoughts and at the same time try to conceal whatever is hidden underneath. If you do not understand, it's a normal occurence because i sometimes do not understand myself either. :)
Oh ya, Friends and Family, i love you all.
I am aware that most people might not come in, except for friends who know me well enough? That would be a relief for me i guess, because i am more of a private than public person. And therefore on this blog, it would be more of an outlet to pour out my thoughts and at the same time try to conceal whatever is hidden underneath. If you do not understand, it's a normal occurence because i sometimes do not understand myself either. :)
Oh ya, Friends and Family, i love you all.
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