On Listening By Ralph Roughton

An angel is the person who left an indelible footprint in your heart. He might not come in flowing gowns nor a harp, but he comforts, he listens and he calms. His energy flows to you quietly not by speech or action, but by presence. There is an angel in everyone of us. :)


When I ask you to listen to me and you start by giving advice, you have not done what I have asked.

When I ask you to listen to me and you begin to tell me why I shouldn't feel that way, you are trampling on my feelings.

When I ask you to listen to me and you feel you have to do something to solve my problem, you have failed me, strange as it may seem.

Listen! All I ask is that you listen, not talk or do - just hear me... I can do for myself. I'm not helpless. Maybe discouraged and faltering, but not helpless.

When you do something for me that I can and need to do for myself, you contribute to my fear and inadequacy.

But when you accept as simple fact that I do feel what I feel, no matter how irrational, then I can quit trying to convince you and get about the business of understanding what's behind this irrational feeling. And when that's clear, the answers are obvious and I don't need advice.

Irrational feelings make sense when we understand what's behind them.

Perhaps that's why prayer works, sometimes, for some people...because God is mute, and He doesn't give advice or try to fix things. God just listens and lets you work it out yourself.

So, please listen and just hear me. And if you want to talk, wait a minute for your turn, and I'll listen to you.

Definately? Maybe...?

S and i had a crytic conversation in the noon. We were just talking in general when she pop out something entirely off tack. It went sorta like below...

S: eh Z told me u want to wait rite? Then u should go watch Definately Maybe!
Me: huh? wat u mean? wat are u talking abt? wat does that have to do with this show?
S: just go watch! its very nice!
Me: har realli? so who did the guy choose in the end?
S: cannot tell u, u watch it then u know.
Me: but who did the guy choose in the end?
S: u watch then u know lo.
Me: but i need to know who did the guy choose in the end before i decide to go watch!
S: of course the guy chose the gal who waited for him la!
Me: are u sure or not? but which one?
S: u should go watch! it will lift up ur spirits!
Me: .....(lamely) but who did the guy choose....

Sleepless

I can't get to sleep. I laid in bed for a long time, tossing and turning, sometimes opening my eyes to look into the darkness. Dread fills every fibre of my being, spreading from the tips of my fingers, up my arms, my face and down to my legs. My heartbeat is erratic and my breathing comes in shallow and uneven spurts. My mind is in a panicked state and its all because Secret(why secret, you may ask?...it's a secret) suggested meeting for dinner at Marina Square. My heart sank.

I hate Marina Square and I hate Esplanade. The places are linked to a nightmarish memory that haunts and torments me still. I hate them, because i still cannot walk pass the place without the forbidden memory popping up in my mind. I hate them, i tried to shove the bad memories out and it keeps coming back. They are toxic and i need to to hide them in the darkest recesses of my mind and never visit them again.

I hate them with an intensity no one would understand.

The Dolls of Love

This is my favourite online love story. I stumbled on it a few years ago. It moved me to tears and was imprinted in my mind. Recollecting the story, i once bought a recordable doll, recorded the words that person would like most for me to say to him, and gave it to him as a surprise..So when the battery goes flat one day and the words do not come out anymore, does the meaning of the gift go away?

Another touching story, that things might not be what they seem. Surprises and the sweetest of them comes in small packages. And this story shows just that, don't underestimate the littlest of gestures for they might actually be the ones which you will remember for life.

I have a boyfriend who grew up with me. His name is Jin. I always thought of him as a friend until last year, when we went to a trip from a club. I found that I fell in love with him.

Before that trip was over, I took a step and confessed my love for him. And soon, we became a pair of lovers, but we loved each other in different ways. I always concentrated on him only, but by his side, there were so many other girls. To me, he was the only one, but to him, maybe I was just another girl…

Jin, do you want to go watch a movie?" I asked.“I can’t”“Why? You need to study at home?” I felt disappointmentgrabbing me.

“No… I am going to meet a friend…”

He was always like that. He met girls in front of me, like it was nothing. To him, I was just a girlfriend. The word ‘love’ only came out from my mouth. Since I knew him, I had never heard him say ‘I love you’ before. To us, there weren’t any anniversaries at all.He didn’t say anything from the first day and it continued till 100 days…200days… Everyday, before we say goodbye, he would just hand me a doll, everyday, without fail. I don’t know why…

Then one day…
Me: Um, Jin, I …
Jin: What…don’t drag, just say..
Me: I love you.
Jin: ……you….um, just take this doll and go home.
That was how he ignored my ‘three words’ and handed me the doll. Then he disappeared, like he was running away. The dolls I received from him everyday, filled my room, one by one. There were many…

Then one day came, my 15th year old birthday. When I got up in the morning, I pictured a party with him, and stranded myself in my room, waiting for his call. But… lunch passed, dinner passed… and soon the sky was dark… he still didn’t call. It was already tiring to look at the phone anymore. Then around 2am in the morning, he suddenly called me and woke me from my sleep. He told me to come out of the house. Still, I felt joy and I ran out happily.

Me: Jin…
Jin: Here…take this…
Again, he handed me a little doll.
Me: What’s this?
Jin: I didn’t give it to you yesterday, so I am giving it to you now. I’m going home now, bye.
Me: Wait, wait! Do you know what today is?
Jin: Today? Huh?
I felt so sad, I thought he would remember my birthday. He turned around and walked away like nothing had happen.Then I shouted… “Wait…”
Jin: You have something to say?
Me: Tell me, tell me you love me…
Jin: What?!
Me: Tell me

I put my pathetic self behind and clung on to him. But he just said simple cold words and left.“I don’t want to say…that I love someone so easily, if you are desperate to hear it, then find someone else.”That was what he said. Then he ran off. My legs felt numb… and I collapsed to the ground. He didn’t want to say it easily… How could he…. I felt that… Maybe he is not the right guy for me…

After that day, I stranded myself at home crying, just crying. He didn’t call me, although I was waiting. He just continued handing me a little doll every morning outside my house. That’s how those dolls piled up in my room… everyday
After a month, I got myself together and went to school. But what made the pain resurface was that… I saw him on a street… with another girl… He had a smile on his face, one that he never showed me…as he touched the doll… I ran straight back home and looked at the dolls in my room, and tears fell… Why did he gave these to me… Those dolls are probably picked out by some other girls…In a fit of anger, I threw the dolls around. Then suddenly, the phone rang. It was him.

He told me to come out to the bus stop outside my house. I tried to calm myself down and walked to the bus stop. I kept reminding myself that I am going to forget him, that… it’s going to end. Then he came into my sight, holding a big doll.

Jin: Jo, I thought you were pissed, you really came?I couldn’t help hating him, acting like nothing had happen and joking around. Soon, he held out the doll as usual…
Me: I don’t need it.

Jin: What….why…
I grabbed the doll from his hands and threw it on the road.
Me: I don’t need this doll, I don’t need it anymore!! I don’t want to see a person like you again!

I spitted out all the words that were inside me. But unlike other days, his eyes very shaking.“I’m sorry”He apologized in a tiny voice.He then walked over to the road to pick up the doll…
Me: You stupid! Why are you picking up the doll?! Just throw it away!!!

But he ignored me and just went to pick the doll. Then…

Honk~ Honk~With a loud honk, a big truck was heading towards him.“Jin! Move! Move away!” I shouted…But he didn’t hear me, he squatted down and picked up the doll.“Jin, move!”HONK~!!“Boom!” That sound, so terrifying.That’s how he went away from me.That’s how he went away without even opening his eyes to say one word to me.After that day, I had to go through everyday with guiltiness and the sadness of losing him… And after spending two months like a crazy person… I took out the dolls.

Those were the only gifts he left me since the day we started going out. I remembered the days I spent with him and started to count the days… when we were in love…

“One…two… three…”That was how… I started to count the dolls…“Four hundred and eighty four… four hundred and eightyfive…”It all ended with 485 dolls.I then started to cry again, with a doll in my arms. I hugged it tightly, then suddenly…

“I love you~, I love you~”
I dropped the dolls,shocked.

“I….lo..ve…you??”
I picked up the dolls and pressed its stomach.

“I love you~ I love you~”
It can’t be! I pressed all the dolls’ stomach as it piled on the side.
“I love you~”

“I love you~”
“I love you~”
Those words came out non-stop. I…love you… Why didn’t I realize that….That his heart was always by my side, protecting me. Why didn’t I realize that he love me this much… I took out the doll under the bed and pressed it’s stomach,that was the last doll, the one that fell on the road. It had his blood stain on it. The voice came out, the on that I was missing so much…

“Jo…Do you know what today is? We’ve been loving each other for 486 days. Do you know what 486 is? I couldn’t say I love you…. Um… since I was too shy… If you forgive me and take this doll, I will say that I love you… everyday… till I die… Jo… I love you…”

The tears came flowing out of me. Why? Why? I asked god, why do I only know about all this now? He can’t be by my side, but he loved me until his last minute…
For that… and for that reason… to me… it became courage… to live a beautiful life….

Late night dinner

C and i met up for a late dinner at Botak Jones. A series of misunderstandings about the location to meet push the timing to one hr later. (phew!) The place was hot but luckily the food was not bad. When we reached, they were already at their last order and alot of things were not available. So in the end we just ordered a plate fish and chips, shitake mushrooms and chilli corn carne as sides. AND in addition they served us an extra plate of fish and chips plus two slices of mango chesse and oreo cheese cake as an apology for having most of the orders not available. Wow, we really got a good deal of it.

It was great to meet up with C, the last time we met was in Jan and some stuff happened since then. As usual, we ate and exchange updates about our life, followed by a short trip down to her house. Her mum din change much, always asking if i had a bf. It's been ten years and my answer has always been a negative. In the end i told her mum no need to ask, prob my answer will still remain the same a few years down the road. :)

How time flies. C and i used to be best friends in secondary school. But people grow up and they take different paths. It's a reality of life. We have drifted apart with the passing of time and the difference of priorities in life.

At this age, i would hesitate to define any friends in the "best friend" category. Nor would i go about labelling anyone as a good friend. It's the cautious part in me, as i've learnt that the more expectations you put on a person, ultimately they will let you down in some way or other. Good friends, even best friends, don't pin too much hopes on them.

A friend once told me, at different phases in our life, we tend to have a set of good friends, "brothers" or "sisters". The type of friends you hang out with shifts according to the stages of life, only family will always be the same. It makes sense for different friends to step in and out of your life, some just for a little while.

Someone else also told me, " the only person who can help you is yourself." I can understand where he is coming from, although no man can ever be an island, entire of itself. Just do your own part and don't expect the other party to reciprocrate in kind. I am still glad to have C as a friend, we still care for each other, that's most important. Anything else is just part and parcel of life.

I be going down to kinokuniya at orchard tomorrow afternoon to buy books, one as a surprise gift of encouragement for Secret, the other one as a belated bd present i promised to DF. Meeting S for afternoon tea, Shixing and Kennedy for ktv in the evening. Hope everything goes well.

Prata Session

Went to meet up Ding Feng at Sunplaza for a prata session today. Have not saw him for sometime since the last meeting where we talked at the playground underneath his block. It's great to meet him up because he is good company. One thing about him is that he is straightforward, doesn't mince words and takes no crap from anybody. We talked about what's going on in our life over prata and drinks.

He was mentioning abt this phase, " its only after we have lost everything that we are free to do to do anything". This seems to stem from a buddhist viewpoint, but have to say i agreed with him. It's because humans have too many attachments, be it emotional or otherwise, that binds us from maybe seeing a different path. Its only when we liberate ourselves from people and things that we are brave to do what we wished...? And yet, we are humans after all, and which human does not bind himself to earthly things? Its because we are human that we are able feel such a wide range of emotions. And which i was telling him, from a scientific point of view or a detached view of myself, even i am amazed that i can actually feel so much in me. That i never thought i had it in me, for i can be quite realistic when i had to in the past and yet even my own emotions can be pushed to this extent. Like, if you ever think you can't live without someone, its laughable and wondorous at the same time. But how amazing.

Anyway Ding Feng is quite funny, everytime he catches me drifting off in my own thoughts, he try to distract me. "See, there you go again!" I laughed sheepishly whenever he catches me doing that. But he can be a dose of reality, its nice.

My First Post

I was inspired by a friend of mine to start a blog. I have already a secret location where i posted in all my private thoughts, so this blog is more for rambling on whatever catches my fancy or updates about this too ordinary life of mine. I love to write and it would probably be good therapy to express what i cannot bring out in speech nor in action. In fact, the person i talk most to is probably myself, as friends who have catch me "stoning" in action would be able to testify.

I am aware that most people might not come in, except for friends who know me well enough? That would be a relief for me i guess, because i am more of a private than public person. And therefore on this blog, it would be more of an outlet to pour out my thoughts and at the same time try to conceal whatever is hidden underneath. If you do not understand, it's a normal occurence because i sometimes do not understand myself either. :)

Oh ya, Friends and Family, i love you all.