What Is *Settling for Less?*

An interesting article i read on net. its kinda long but try to read it! quite useful whether or not you are in a relationship.

In a previous article, I suggested that attracting the kind of people you want to date starts with creating a vision of your ideal relationship -- what I called your --dating road map. This road map is a plan designed to help you describe, find and attract suitable candidates for the job of your life partner.

So let's say that you've been following your road map for awhile now. You're out there in the dating scene, meeting members of the opposite sex online and in person, making conscious decisions about who to date, and (hopefully) using the "One Minute Quiz for Evaluating a Potential Soulmate" as a guide.

And then you get to the third or fourth date with someone. That's when you start noticing how some aspects of your dating partner don't fit with the vision you have of your ideal mate. For many singles, confronting this "fork in the road," is a major dating dilemma. That's because taking an unanticipated turn onto an unknown road toward finding a life partner can be confusing and scary. This is the point when I've seen many singles quickly, and even carelessly, reject someone who could have made a suitable partner.

The challenge at this stage of dating is to look long and hard at the actual live person you're dating and determine what aspects of your ideal relationship vision are mandatory, and which are negotiable. Truthfully, I don't suggest that you do this on your own. It takes a coach or a mentor, an objective person whom you trust, to help you determine the pros and cons of the person you?re dating. Without help, you run the risk of listening to that little voice in your head saying, "Hey, break up with this person. S/he doesn't match up! You'll only be settling for less!"

I believe that "settling for less" inaccurately describes the experience of singles having to compromise some of the characteristics they seek in their ideal mate. To best explain the choices one faces when confronting a "fork in the road," here are a couple of examples:


George feels comfortable and happy when he is with Julia, and sees himself having a future with her, IF ONLY she would be more intellectually stimulating. George has a keen interest in current events and looks forward to reading the news every day. He has tried to interest Julia in discussing news and events with him, and while she is familiar with the world around her, it is not at the level that George would like. On the other hand, they share similar family backgrounds, outdoor interests and spiritual lifestyle goals. They have a good time together, can converse about a variety of subjects, and get along well. George also finds her attractive, but still wonders if he can marry a woman who does not stimulate him intellectually. On the other hand, he has yet to meet anyone else that he enjoys being with as much, overall.

I would suggest to George that he try and view Julia as the intelligent woman she truly is, despite not having as keen an interest in current events as he. I would encourage him to focus on their shared interests and goals, and to imagine Julia as a partner in life rather than solely as an intellectual cohort. I would, of course, remind him that not all people are perfect, yet they can and should be able to grow. I would strongly recommend that since he is attracted to her and enjoys her company, he may already have sufficient information with which to know that they can create a life together.

Anna has gone out with Michael for two months, having met him on an online dating website. She experienced him as nice and attentive, and came away from each date with the confirmation that he was a decent and honest man, with whom she shared similar spiritual and life goals. While she was able to visualize being married to him, she did not feel any excitement about him, or excitement about having a future with him. Anna wondered if it was reasonable to have a marriage that did not have much passion if Michael was, in fact, a nice and kind man. But she wasn't sure if her doubts about him were reason enough to break up either.

I see Anna's situation differently than George's. George is pretty clear and confident about who he is and what he needs; Anna isn't as in touch with her needs, which is the reason why she's confused about Michael. Anna believes that she should marry a man solely because he's kind, honest and decent. This reflects a lack of self-esteem on Anna's part, because if she believed she deserved passion and excitement in a relationship, then she would break up with Michael, no matter how nice and decent he was, and continue searching.

Negotiating a "fork in the road" essentially requires that you have sufficient knowledge about yourself and your needs. Having this knowledge will help you decide what turns to take -- should you disqualify someone because you know you need more than what s/he is capable of giving? Or, since you know that no one is perfect, should you be flexible?

George, in the example above, was challenged to see how his dating partner, Julia, met the majority of his needs for a life partner. This meant that he turn onto the road requiring him to be flexible. Once Anna (in the second example) realizes that she deserves to have passion and excitement in a relationship, she'll turn onto the road disqualifying Michael, which will eventually lead her closer to finding her life partner.

A map is filled with many opportunities to take turns onto other roads that can still get you to where you want to go. If you focus on what is missing in a relationship, then you may be setting yourself up to feel that you are settling for less. But if you choose instead to look at the bigger picture, to see your goal in the distance, and be flexible about turning onto some side roads along the way, you may get to your destination -- finding your life partner -- that much sooner.

a trip to holiday plaza, JB

i was at JB last sat to rebond my hair and do a pair of new specs. i got my hair done at 150ringgit, which was darn cheap and a pricing u cun get in spore. the previous time i rebonded my hair, it din last very long and i cun b bothered. i am not after the poker straight look, just trying to make my hair neater albeit natural since i do tie up my hair almost everyday which is a no-no for rebonded hair.

it took me two 2hrs plus and i was bored to death sitting on the chair, more so for benny who had to wait for me. he bought along a book to read but seems he fell asleep after a while. heck, i wanted to sleep myself.

after tat we went trying for specs and went to a few shops. got a real bargain for this white frame specs tat costs just $150. usually my specs costs at least $200= to 300+ as my degree is quite high, so the pricing goes towards paying for thinner lenses so i don't look so nerdy.

white specs is something new for me. he says it looks striking although i dunno if its in a good way. but anyway its free for me, so its his call. :p

gone, gone, gone, tats my $$$

i dropped my wallet at bishan junction mac last fri. i am so freaky right down pissed. both with myself and to whomever the sorry excuse of a human who took all my money inside, which was my entire commission last mth and which i just withdraw the night bfore. he/she left me penniless for this mth, but at least he/she had the tinest shred of decency or conscience to leave my wallet on the floor for the staff at mac to pick it up. tats y i can safely say its a human and not a beast.

at first when i was informed through phone tat mac had my wallet, i was filled with joy and relief. my sis went to pick it up as benny n i were heading on the way to jb. in the evening, my joy turned to shock when my sis sms him to say all my cash is missing. without skipping a beat, he added "hope the person go n d** lo, mayb by tomlo". wow, such poisonous words, even if the same thought did occur to me.

i am still terribly upset, i realli wanted to buy somethjing for myself, like a hp.

another baby in this world~!

i just opened my email at work half an ago and there was an email from from benny. which was not surprising considering we email each other everyday. but then the subject header was a major shocker.

sylvia has given birth this morning‏(!!!!!!)

he told me keri tried to call me but couldnt get through, so immed i called keri while having an urge to throw my hp in the rubbish bin. i had to bloody restart my hp again to get my sms from syl n keri, even though i restarted it this morning n no smses gotten in!! tats y benny always ask me to buy a new hp..cos wat if something happened to him n he couldnt get through. he n keri was right, i better get a new one and fast bcos its dragging too long!

oh wow. me, syl and keri were still planning to meet for dinner this evening at amk hub for a gals nite out. well nw, we are still having dinner, except it would be in a hospital. :)

tats exciting!

suppression

i know i am getting more temperamental of late. at this point of time, i shd be happy. which i am, sometimes. other times i am on the verge of tears and it seems as if an unseen fist is wrapping its hand around my heart and giving it a gentle squeeze. nothing too dramatic, but still rather unpleasant. i dun know wats wrong with me, or rather i do. had a long conversation with him over the phone just nw and he took time to reassure me. i know he is tryin his best, i realli do. it's my own self, my own expectations tat i need to change. i need to restraint myself and get over the withdrawal symptoms.

he is so sweet

he is so sweet. we were supposed to meet up tomorrow but i was asked in this evening if i wanted to do noon shift for tomorrow. so called him n told him abt it n he told me "do lo". was sad cos in tat case couldn't get to see him, wats more my library books are with him cos he helped me to go collect yesterday.

so anyway i was taking the mrt back hme and abt to reach admiratly, then remembered my sot sot phone confirmed no network, so i took it out n restarted the phone. then immed the phone rang n it was him, asking where i was and if i am hme yet. abit puzzled but continued a conversation with him...then i was asking him how come the background so noisy then he told me he watchin tv. hmmm...so once i reached admiralty, told him i call him back later as i got to go buy something to eat. as soon as i came out of the mrt station, i heard someone calling my name..and it's him! i was stunned...my brain freezed over. i couldn't think of any reason y he would be in admiralty for goodness sake and it's alry 10pm! know wat he told me? he say it's cos he wanted to give me my library books...isn't tat sweet? cos u n i both know tats not the real reason... :D

so he sent me up to my hse bfore going back. it's the sweetest thing in the world bcos i certainly din expect tat. i really have to get over my insecurities tats biting at me...i dun wan it to be a dream.

i dreamed a dream..from britain got talent

watched this video a few days back...cried the first two times i watched it..it says alot tat i am watching this video in the middle of the night..this little video gives us so many lessons...look at it n u know wat i mean..look at the expressions on the judge's and audience's faces..she showed them good alright!

her voice is so uplifting but the song is so sad..kept replayin this song over and over..is it the voice or the lyrics tat's getting to me? it reminds me of something..somehow..

so i am putting this up bcos:

1) love her voice!
2)love the song, the lyrics!

actually i like quite a few songs from musicals even though i have never watched a musical before...somehow the lyrics for the songs in musicals are so expressive..it just make my heart ache...are there really dreams that cannot be?


Susan Boyle - I Dreamed a Dream - Pipo

There was a time, when men were kind
And their voices were soft
And their words were inviting
There was a time, when love was blind
And the world was a song
And the song was exciting
There was a time it all went wrong

I dreamed a dream in time gone by
When hope was high and life worth living
I dreamed that love would never die
I dreamed that God would be forgiving

Then I was young and unafraid
And dreams were made and used and wasted
There was no ransom to be paid
No song unsung, no wine untested

But the tigers come at night
With their voices soft as thunder
As they tear your hope apart
As they turn your dream to shame

He slept a summer by my side
He filled my days with endless wonder
He took my childhood in his stride
But he was gone when autumn came

And still I dream he'll come to me
That we will live the years together
But there are dreams that cannot be
But there are storms we cannot weather

I had a dream my life would be
So different from this hell I'm living
So different now from what it seemed
Now life has killed the dream I dreamed

some little musings..

Why am I the only one suay enough to get bitten by sandflies while the rest of those having dinner are unharmed? I found the answer. .

gobygirl Posted on 22/07/04 14:19
The real trick to not having sandfly bites (and all other manners of biting and stinging insects) is not repellent, in my humble opinion. It is to bring a sacrifice - one person who attracts mossies, sandflies etc and VOILA! insects no more. This method is tried and tested and has proven to win hands down!

Just kidding.

sandflies, not mosquitoes

Soon after reporting for work this morning, I walked over to our company clinic that was nearby to see a docter for my bites. It kept me up all nite too because it was so itchy and painful and swollen. The docter thought it could be sandflies and gave me a med to take in the morning, another to take at nite, plus a cream to apply twice a day. Once the nurse passed me the medicine, I took it right on the spot. (ya..i was that desperate for the itch to stop)

Anyway, I googled up sandflies(i should know more about the enemy rite?) and this is what it says:

A sand flea bite is most likely to occur at dawn or in the evening and night time hours on the beach or other sandy areas that are near water. Wetlands, swamplands, creeks, and lakebeds are other areas where sand fleas can be found. Sand fleas generally stay close to their breeding ground. They never wander more than 350 feet or about 100 meters from their breeding area. Sand flea swarms produce a high-pitched wine. Therefore, if you are on the beach and you hear something like this, it is best to move or risk a sand flea bite.

The fleas will jump onto the feet, ankles, legs, and then bite. They are very persistent and quite annoying. Because of their small size, a sand flea bite occurs before individuals even know any sand fleas were in the area. Like a mosquito, a sand flea bites to suck blood. It is the female sand fly that bites. It does this in order to get the protein from the blood that is necessary for its egg laying. The sand flea bite involves the injection of saliva to thin the blood, making it easier for the flea to take blood from its victim. This same saliva triggers the body’s immune system to react.

Despite its size, the bite from a sand flea is quite painful. In fact, most of the time the bite is more painful than one from a typically larger mosquito. In addition to pain, the bite causes a large welt or rashes on the skin that can persist for several days. A fever may also occur. The welts or hives produced from bites are very itchy. Scratching the bitten areas should be avoided in order to prevent the development of an infection. Scratching will also prolong the symptoms of swelling, itch, and skin redness.

Sandflies bites are best avoided. It takes days or weeks to heal. The itchiness never go away and you scratch yourself until you bleed. They are often found near sea shores. It only take minutes and you won’t notice their bites until its too late.

Sandflies bites are intensely itchy and last for days. Bleeding and infection occurs when a person scratch non-stop.

Damn, that explains why it itches so much that I wanted to cry at times. It's terrible, I tell you. Scratching myself in my sleep until I woke up. .*sob* I am resigned to the fact that it might leave a mark, but well, it just go away in time.

itchy day

Went out for dinner with his family at Bottletree Park's open-air restarant to celebrate his mum's birthday. I got a good deal as they picked me up before heading there..hehe..the unfortunate thing is as it's an open-air restaurant, the mosquitoes were free to prey on me despite the fact that there were lighted mosquitoes repellant incense underneath the table.

The bites kept me up all nite as it's super itchy lo. I counted 15 bites, most of it on my legs and the swollen type. Bought mopiko or wu bi gao today to sooth my itches..today is a super itchy day. :(

Absolute Boyfriend (Zettai Kareshi), watch this show!

This is one of my favourite dramas. Its quite funny and touching..I cried buckets at some scenes. The female lead is adorable and the male lead is super drop dead gorgeous! Will recommend this show to all my friends!

You can catch this drama over here!