The Worst and Best of times

Met up with Secret for dinner at Suntec which is an improvement, at least the place there does not traumatize me. I gave him a book, wrapped up to surprise him. He unwrapped it on the spot, and i was glad that at least he has never read the book before. If he is be able to find the book useful, then it would have served it's purpose and i would be happy.

After that, we went to sky garden for a short stroll and sat down on a bench. It was pretty much in silence. What shall we talk about when all the most important stuff must be left unsaid? Sometimes, it's as if an invisible barrier separated us, and will remain on as long as things are complicated. He said some stuff that briefly made me feel like crying, but i remembered my resolve to shoulder and walk on. If this thing can weaken my spirit so easily, then i should not have chosen this path at all.

Went down to Amk Mac to meet up with S. Have not really had a good talk with her since a long time back. I am glad everything is water under the bridge now. At that time, i was not even truly angry with her, just mainly hurt by her words. I have come to realize how easily words can hurt somebody. When a person is hurt, they will either withdraw back or lash out at the person. And just maybe, things will not be the same anymore.

She was kind enough to suggest that i can come visit her and stay in Beijing for a while. I really hope it will do me good. It is the hope that staying in a foreign land will make me stronger, more independent, and mould me to be a better person. I can reflect quietly on what i want my life direction to be heading. Even now, my heart feels heavy. This place has too many burdens and memories for me. If i can leave for a while, if i can find the courage the leave the person i loved behind, it would be good for both of us. It will be my gift to him. And life in a strange land might create boundless opportunities, for who knows what tomorrow might bring? At the very least, new perceptions will be made, and i might find a way out...

It might just be the worst, and the best of times after all.

The Quarter-Life Crisis
by unknown

It is when you stop going along with the crowd and start realizing that there are a lot of things about yourself that you didn't know and may or may not like. You start feeling insecure and wonder where you will be in a year or two, but then get scared because you barely know where you are now.

You start realizing that people are selfish and that, maybe, those friends that you thought you were so close to aren't exactly the greatest people you have ever met and the people you have lost touch with are some of the most important ones. What you do not realize is that they are realizing that too and are not really cold or catty or mean or insincere, but that they are as confused as you.

You look at your job. It is not even close to what you thought you would be doing or maybe you are looking for one and realizing that you are going to have to start at the bottom and are scared.

You miss the comforts of college, of groups, of socializing with the same people on a constant basis. But then you realize that maybe they weren't so great after all.

You are beginning to understand yourself and what you want and do not want. Your opinions have gotten stronger. You see what others are doing and find yourself judging a bit more than usual because suddenly you realize that you have certain boundaries in your life and add things to your list of what is acceptable and what is not. You are insecure and then secure. You laugh and cry with the greatest force of your life. You feel alone and scared and confused. Suddenly change is the enemy and you try and cling on to the past with dear life but soon realize that the past is drifting further and further away and there is nothing to do but stay where you are or move forward.

You get your heart broken and wonder how someone you loved could do such damage to you or you lay in bed and wonder why you can't meet anyone decent enough to get to know better. You love someone but maybe love someone else too and cannot figure out why you are doing this because you are not a bad person.

One night stands and random hook ups start to look cheap and getting wasted and acting like an idiot starts to look pathetic. You go through the same emotions and questions over and over and talk with your friends about the same topics because you cannot seem to make a decision.

You worry about loans and money and the future and making a life for yourself and while wining the race would be great, right now you'd just like to be a contender!

What you may not realize is that everyone reading this relates to it. We are in our best of times and our worst of times, trying as hard as we can to figure this whole thing out.